The Labyrinth Academy
by Fou Fou
Summary: What if all the characters in Labyrinth decided they didn't like the fanfiction written about them? What if they got together and created a school, with a little help, for these writers? FanFic writers, Hell hath a new location, & it is Labyrinth Academy
1. Rule One: Never sign a contract

Disclaimer: I in no way own the Labyrinth. The idea of an Academy for fan fiction writers belongs to Miss Cam, the creator of OFUM (Official Fan fiction University of Middle-earth). If you have not read it already, I highly suggest you do. You can find the link to her bio under my favorite authors.

The Labyrinth Academy

by Fou Fou

Rule One : Never sign a contract before reading it all the way through

It was wonderful. Brilliant in fact. Her best work yet, or would be once Ami finished it. For now, all she had was a blank document on Word and the Muse of Fanfiction dancing the chicken dance in her head.

She bit her lip for a moment as she contemplated the best way to word her first sentence. After all, everyone knew that the reviews were gained or lost based on the opening lines. The steady ticks of the Beauty and the Beast clock above her bed served as an unwanted reminder that time was being wasted. It had been a present from her parents on her tenth birthday, and she couldn't help bringing it with her when she left for college four years ago, childish though it was. Now it held a place of honor in her new home. Normally it was a gift she'd look on fondly, but right now its nonstop ticking in the otherwise silent room was becoming a tad annoying, and it wasn't helping her Muse at all. Turning the radio on to drown out the clock, she turned back to her laptop and began to type.

_Throughout the whole Underground there was never a more beautiful woman that that of the elf, Mariana Suana. Actually, she wasn't just elf, she was also part Nymph, Fae, Fairy, and Dragon. All men in the Underground loved her after just once glance. But only one man held the heart of Mariana Suana, and that was the Ultra-Sexy-Oh-My-God-Drop-Dead-Gorgeous King of the Goblins . . . Jareth. However, his heart was spurned by the cruel and evil Sarah Williams . . ._

* * *

"We have another one!" said Director Fou, head coordinator of the Labyrinth Academy, as the NGFD (Non-Guild Fanfiction Detector) began to beep and whirl. Director Fou, Meagan, and Sarah Williams were all sitting in the staff room at LA, watching the NGFD for any last minute applications. 

"What kind?" asked Meagan, her assistant, coming over. "I swear to God, if it is another one that can't distinguish their 'you're' from 'your,' or their 'then' from 'than' I am going to kill something."

Director Fou looked at the readout. "Nope, not yet anyway. Looks to be the manifestation of a definite Mary Sue fanfiction. According to the readout, this is very much similar to her past fanfictions. I'll have to send the info to Mary Sue and inform her she should be expecting another addition."

Sarah Williams, looking up from where she was reading a book said, "Please tell me it isn't me. I hate it when they do that. They always make me this cold hearted bitch with all these super powers that the Labyrinth supposedly gave me after I defeated it. Not to mention it is so _weird_ running into a bunch of people who look exactly like me, only with funky colored eyes or something."

"Nope," said Meagan. "It would appear that you are the 'cruel and evil Sarah Williams' who broke the heart of the delicate Goblin King. Mariana Suana is the Mary Sue, and she has quite an interesting family tree. I wasn't even aware that it was possible to do it with a dragon if you were a fairy."

Sarah shuddered. "That is quite disturbing, thank you very much. I'm almost afraid to see what she'll look like when she shows up."

"At least there are no pant jokes . . ."

"Yet," said Meagan ominously. "Though it doesn't seem to be the type to do that."

"So, I'm assuming she's getting the invitation?" asked Sarah.

"Oh of course," said Director Fou, smirking in an evil manner. "Our Student Relations/ Event Coordinator disappeared last week, though I suspect she may be in an oubliette, due to a little argument with His Majesty. I'm trying to convince Jareth that the oubliettes are for students, not for staff. For now, our Head of Security shall be handling her duties until school starts next week."

* * *

Back in Ami's room, words seemed to be flowing from herself into the computer. The heartening music of some long-broken up boy band seemed to add the necessary oomph to her brilliance. Each word seemed to be better than her last. She had no doubt that this would be her best. 

Suddenly, lightning crashed outside the window. "What the . . .?" Ami asked herself. Getting up, she looked out the window. "But it was nice out just a minute ago!" she protested as she watched the rain pounded down outside, tapping against the window. "And the radio said we're to have sunny weather all week!"

Apparently the weather had different ideas than the weatherman as lightning flashed once again and the room plunged into darkness. "Crap," muttered Ami. Luckily she had been running her laptop on battery, so at least her story hadn't been fried, though she wasn't too sure about her radio. Grabbing her laptop, she moved to flop herself down on the bed to work there, when she noticed something scurrying underneath the covers of her bed. It was small, not much bigger than her hand, and was making strange spitting sounds, like a cat with a hairball.

Fearing that somehow a cat had somehow gotten into her bed (despite the no animal rule in the apartment) and was about to divulge the contents of his stomach in the inside of her bed, she whipped the cover back, exposing what was underneath . . .

Nothing.

An icy chill clutched her heart as Ami stared at the empty spot on the bed. What could do something like that? _I'm just overreacting,_ thought Ami._ Just flipping out over stupid things that aren't really there. There has to be a rational explanation for all this. There was probably something in those nachos I ate earlier . . ._

Behind her, something snickered. Spinning around, she saw the shadow of something zipping away for cover. Beside her she heard scuffling, and her clothes began to move across the room from where she had dumped them next to her bed two days ago. Everywhere, murmured voices echoed through the room, laughing at her . . .

"It's just the nachos," Ami told herself firmly. "This isn't real. Just the hallucination brought forth by bad cheese."

"Cheese is a scary thing," came a voice behind her. Spinning around, Ami came face to face with a dangerous-looking man in a black suit, black shades, with a black, ominous looking briefcase in his hand. He looked to be around twenty five or so, but she wasn't sure, thanks to the fact the room was mostly dark besides the glowing of her laptop. Instantly the sounds and shadows faded away into nothingness.

"Who are you?" snapped Ami. "And how the hell did you get into my room?"

"My name is of no concern to you, though if you wish, you may call me Mr. Smith. I represent the Labyrinth Fanfiction Guild and I'm head of security in LA. I got in because the door of your apartment was unlocked."

"Labyrinth Fanfiction has a guild?"

"Yes, and it has come to our attention that you write Labyrinth fanfiction and my employers would like you to join our fellowship."

"Really? Wow, that's really cool!" gushed Ami. "How did you find me?"

"We have our ways," replied Mr. Smith mysteriously. Dumping his briefcase on Ami's bed, she saw the faint embossing of 'LA' on its surface in gold. Mr. Smith opened it up before she was able to see anything else on the cover, and began rifling her way through the contents. For a moment, Ami though she saw a green, knobby hand reach out of the briefcase and hand him something before Mr. Smith shut it back up again.

"This is your welcome letter to the fellowship," he said, handing Ami a bulging yellow envelope. "A mandatory trip to LA is necessary for inclusion to the guild. My employers informed me to tell you not to worry however, they'll pay for your expenses including the trip. The letter should explain everything."

"Why is it so thick?" asked Ami.

"Oh, there are just some forms you need to fill out – for filing purposes, terms of agreement, contract of liability . . stuff like that."

Terms of liability? For being in a Fanfiction Guild? Ami didn't focus on that too much however, she was too excited. "When do you want this back?"

"Preferably as soon as possible," replied Mr. Smith. Glancing at the Disney clock with a mixture of curiosity and distaste he said, "Well, I must go." Turning around, he walked out the door.

"But wait!" cried Ami, rushing to the door and pulling it open. Looking down the hallway of her apartment, she could find no trace of the mysterious Mr. Smith. Shaking her head, she turned around and went back to the room. The lights were on, the radio was blaring, and the sun was shining through the window outside. "I'm never eating nachos again," muttered Ami as she returned to the bed to work on her laptop, just as her butt landed on the strange yellow package.

Pulling it out from under her, Ami studied it. There was nothing remarkable about it, the envelope was the same as the zillion of other yellow envelopes at Staples. Her first name was written in some sort of calligraphy over the front, and as a return address all it said was, "The Labyrinth Fanfiction Guild." If there was any way to contact these people, Ami assumed it must be stated inside. The events of just a few moments before were already beginning to fade away to a memory under the file name, "Temporary Loss of Insanity." Only this yellow envelope proved it had happened.

Hesitatingly she opened the envelope with shaking hands and withdrew the stack of papers inside. Looking at the first sheet of paper she read:

Greetings Fanfiction Writer Ami!

On behalf of the Labyrinth Fanfiction Guild I am pleased to welcome you as a potential member of our fellowship. I have been reading your fanfiction (I was impressed by your story of _Migithnal Mishtan_ – the half elf/ half druid) and I must say that you'd be a great addition. Your style has a certain_ je ne sais pas_ that we've been looking for. If you wish to join our fellowship, do so by filling out the survey and signing the contracts attached to this letter and you will receive an all expenses paid trip to LA to meet your fellow writers.

I look forward to seeing you here.

Sincerely,

Director Fou

_Fou is an odd name_, wondered Ami briefly before going to the next page. The prospect of taking a vacation in LA, Los Angeles, was an opportunity Ami did not want to pass up. Seeing that she would need to fill out the forms, she quickly grabbed a pen and began to answer the questions.

**What is your name?**

_Ami_

**What is your gender?**

_Female_

**What is your species?**

Ami paused for a moment. What else would she be besides human? Shaking her head for a moment, she wrote '_Human_.'

**How old are you?**

_22_

**How many Labyrinth fanfics have you written in the past? (please include names)**

_I have written eight. Love of a Woman, The Goblin King and I, Heart of Forgiveness, Rescue Me, The Death of Sarah Williams, Migithnal Mishtan, One-Hundred Reasons Why Sarah Deserves To Die, and Mariana Suana (I've just started this one)._

**What is a Mary Sue?**

_A perfect character._

**Have you ever written one?**

_Of course not_

**Do you have a beta?**

_Nope, don't need one._

**Have you ever been involved with OFUM or its affiliates (if yes, please specify)**

_What the heck is OFUM?_

**Out of the following character in the Labyrinth, who do you lust the most? (Jareth/ Sarah/ Hoggle/ Other - specify please)**

_JARETH! He's so CUTE!_

**What pairing do you write? (Jareth/Sarah, Jareth/Other, Hoggle/Other, Other or None – specify please)**

_Jareth/Other. Sarah was a bitch to Jareth and doesn't deserve him!_

**Who do you prefer? Hoggle or Jareth?**

_Jareth of course._

**Do you include songs (not from the movie) in your fanfics? If you do, please specify.**

_Nope._

**Do you believe Jareth keeps a sock in his pants?**

_Wha?_

**Have you ever made any comments in your writing about his pants?**

_Just him taking them off._

**Do you believe in Canon?**

_You mean those things that people shot people with in forts? Of course I do, there is one in the middle of the university I went to from some war or something._

**What is your favorite color?**

_PINK!_

**What is your favorite thing in the whole world?**

_Um, I guess my Beauty and the Beast clock. Sentimental reasons._

**If you were placed in the Labyrinth, how long do you think it would take to get through it?**

_Not that long. I mean, if Sarah can do it, anyone could do it._

The list went on and on, in much the same manner. After the survey came a contract of some sort. Shrugging, Ami flipped through it, not paying much attention, (especially when it said LA in no way responsible for the pure idiocy of its students) and signed on the dotted line that said, "SIGN HERE."

When she finally finished it was nearing two a.m. Yawning, she promised herself she would send it off in the morning and got ready for bed. Just before she snuggled down, she checked to make sure the papers were sitting on her desk. It was only after she fell asleep that Mr. Smith entered the room. Picking up the papers, he rifled through them to make sure everything was signed, before turning around to leave. Just as he was about to leave, he turned and said with a smile, "Welcome to the Labyrinth Academy Ami. I'm sure you'll find it . . . interesting."

* * *

Author's note: And so, enrollment for the Labyrinth Academy is now open. If you so wish to be a part of it, please copy the questions the Ami filled out and send it to me at "generalfoufou at yahoo . com" (take away the spaces, at replace at with the a and the circle sign - for some reason it won't let me put it up otherwise). Due to policy about interactive fics, you can't send it through the reviews or the story will be taken down. Just realize that if you do agree to become enrolled, you must be willing to be poked fun of, if you've read Miss Cam's OFUM, or any of the other off shoots of it, you'll understand. (On the bright side, if you join, you'll be able to meet Jareth because he'll teach one of your classes). Also, feel free to get creative, makes my job more fun. 

I will try and make a website with information about the Labyrinth Academy.

Thank you Megs for being a wonderful beta for these long years starting in math class reading my ideas for stories. May you teach others the importance of grammar (and good spelling) like you taught me.

Thank you Miss Cam for the idea.


	2. Rule Two: Never act on your lusting imp...

Disclaimer: I bow before Miss Cam in humble gratitude, unworthy of kissing the ground she walks upon for letting me do this fic. I own nothing.

_A/N: This is the second draft. I fixed up some mistakes that people pointed out to me. Cornflake is now Cornflakes, and the mini-belrog is now a mini-balrog. I hope that the cat and the mini-balrog are not too traumatized by the mistake._

The Labyrinth Academy

by Fou Fou

Rule Number Two: Never act on your lusting impulses, or the 'Helping' Hands will get you.

A week had passed since the hallucination brought on by nachos. Or, at least Ami was assuming that it was a hallucination, since the mysterious folder had disappeared from beside her bedside where she was sure she had put it. She had looked everywhere for it, but alas, it was gone. So she went back to her normal routine, with only a regretful sigh at the thought of the Labyrinth Fanfiction Guild.

She awoke that morning, knowing it was a Monday, and she was not in her own bed. In fact, she wasn't lying in anything that even felt like a bed. _What did I do last night? I don't think I got drunk . . ._

"I think that one is waking up," came a voice from somewhere to her right. She peeked open her eyes. She was staring right into the face of what looked like a goblin.

"AHH!" she cried, jumping up and away from the creature.

"It's ok!" said the goblin horridly, waving its hands. "My name is . . . Ledderlegs!"

"Ledderlegs?" asked Ami.

Ledderlegs shrugged. "That's what I put on my form. You know, for the Labyrinth Fanfiction Guild? I guess whatever you put down becomes your name. Didn't you fill out one?"

"Yeah . . but I thought it was a dream," said Ami.

"So did I," said a girl some years younger than Ami who came over to them. "I'm Sarah, by the way. Not the Sarah in the movie, of course."

"I'm Ami," replied Ami. "So, Ledderlegs, are you normally a goblin?"

"Of course not. I put goblin down on the sheet as a joke, because I thought it would be fun chasing chickens and lying underneath the tap of the ale barrel like that one did in the movie."

Ami took a moment to look around her a bit. She was outside, that much was certain. It was a sort of wasteland, with a few shrubs and bushes here and there, but mostly dirt. Not the best of places. Here and there, people were either sleeping or looking around, in much of the confused manner she was. As she looked to the horizon, she bit back a cry. "That's the Labyrinth!"

"It would appear so," said Ledderlegs.

_God, I must be really drunk or something. That or I took some really trippy drugs last night. I don't think even cheese could make a hallucination THIS weird . . ._

"My only question is where is Jareth?" asked someone else, coming up to them. It was hard to describe exactly what she was. She looked human, and about Ami's age, except she seemed to be made up of water. At that moment, it was muddy water; the same color of the dirt around them.

"I'm not sure . . ." said Ami. Her heart skipped a beat. Even if this was only a dream, if she was in the Labyrinth, Jareth might actually be here! And they would fall in love, and she could be his queen! And they'd live happily ever after! She sighed, blissfully.

"So what did you put down for your species?" asked Ledderlegs, looking at the newcomer. "And who are you?"

"I'm Koke. I put down River Nymph as a joke. This isn't exactly what I imagined a River Nymph looking like though . . ."

"No kidding," said Sarah (not Williams). "I'm glad I didn't put down a different species on my list now."

"So, do you think this is just one mass hallucination we are all having? I take it you all signed up to be in the Labyrinth Fanfiction Guild?" asked Koke.

"Yeah, but this sure as hell doesn't look like LA," said Ami. "That's where it said we would go . . ."

"They did mean LA, as in Los Angeles, right?" asked Sarah.

"I thought they did . . ." said Ledderlegs.

Suddenly, Koke froze (as she turned completely into ice for a moment), a worried expression on her face.

"What is it, Koke?" asked Ami.

"I think I know where we are . . . well, sorta," said Koke, turning back into water to tell them. "Have any of you heard of OFUM?"

"Didn't they ask that on our forms?" asked Ledderlegs.

Sarah suddenly had a worried expression on her face. "Oh my . . . I read about one of the affiliates once, but I didn't pay much attention to it . . . Oh my God!"

"What is it guys?" asked Ami.

Koke opened her watery mouth to answer, just when someone whistled loudly. Everyone turned towards the direction of the sound, and saw a woman in the center of the crowd. She was holding a microphone and used it to address everyone. "Good morning, students," she said, a slight smirk playing across her face.

"Students?" whispered Ami to Koke. "I already finished college!"

"Who are you?" demanded a girl near the group Ami was with.

"I am Director Fou," the woman said. "And welcome to the Labyrinth Academy!"

"Oh God, no . . ." muttered Koke.

"I thought we were suppose to be a part of the Labyrinth Fanfiction Guild!" asked the same girl.

Director Fou laughed. "Sorry, that was a bit of a fib on our part, Miss . . .?"

"Celeste."

"Celeste. If you graduate from our school, then you'll be able to join the Labyrinth Fanfiction Guild, but if not . . . you'll be forbidden from writing Labyrinth Fanfiction again."

The crowd of fanfiction writers began grumbling angrily to each other. "Why can't we?" demanded another voice.

"You see, you've all written what we consider to be 'Bad Fics,'" explained Director Fou. "And the purpose of coming here is to lead you from the dark world you are all in consisting of bad grammar, ignoring the Cannon set forth by the movie, and creations of Mary Sues."

"Bad Fic?" asked Ami. "I'll have you know I write very good fiction! You said so yourself in your letter!"

"I did?" asked Director Fou. "Oops!" She didn't look like she meant it though. "Now, if you will all come this way, I'll lead you to the dorms. And please don't get lost." She turned around, and began walking off away from the Labyrinth. Everyone, for one reason of another began to follow her. Mostly because she seemed to know where she was going.

"It this what you were thinking of?" asked Ami to Koke as they walked along (or in Koke's case, sort of flowed along, collecting bits of ground with her as she went along).

Koke nodded. "I read about OFUM once. I didn't think of it much, since the letter said something about a Guild, and didn't say anything about me writing bad fanfiction. I never suspected that we could be going to a Labyrinth Academy. . ."

"What is OFUM?" asked Ami.

"Awful," said a girl coming up to them. "I'm Becky by the way. I went to OFUM." Walking beside her was what looked like a miniature Balrog from Lord of the Rings. "We're talking pain here. Lot's of pain. Oodles of it."

Koke tried put a condoling hand on Becky, but pulled her hand away when she realized she was soaking Becky's shoulder. "I'm sorry."

"And here I was thinking OFUM was some sort of secret society," said a girl who was listening to them. "I'm Sophia."

"Nope, it's an academy meant to make us all better fanfiction writers," said Koke. "On the plus side, we should be seeing Jareth . . ."

This earned a collective sigh from most of the girls nearby, including Ami. _I'll be able to meet Jareth, and we're going to fall in love and live happily ever after . . . _

She spent the rest of the walk having yummy Jareth thoughts.

* * *

Meanwhile, back at HQ, a very angry Ari (Student Relations/ PR Person of Labyrinth Academy) was venting to Jareth (King of the Goblins), with Sarah (Williams), Mr. Smith (Secret Agent Man), and Meagan (Queen of Grammar) acting as mediator. Sort of. 

"What the hell is your problem, Jareth? Why did you have to lock me in an oubliette? I've gotten so far behind schedule . . ."

"Not to mention I had to take over her duties," said Mr. Smith, grumpily.

"You've got to understand, Ari," said Jareth patiently, "I am king here, and I cannot put up with insubordination. Your lack of respect towards myself warrants a trip to the oubliette."

"Still, Jareth, you can't take out stuff like this on staff members. The new students arrive today . . ." said Meagan.

"Actually, they just arrived," said Sarah (Williams) with a shudder. "Director Fou is taking them to the dorms now."

". . . and we need all our staff here to keep that wild mob of hormones under control," continued Meagan. "We have the opening presentation in less than an hour we have to prepare for . . ."

Jareth waved his hand in a condescending manner before he disappeared to wherever.

Ari rolled her eyes. "I give up."

Suddenly, Sarah (Williams) smiled quite evilly. "I have an idea," she said suddenly. "Jareth doesn't know about the power of female lust yet does he?"

"He doesn't," said Meagan, smiling as well. "He doesn't yet understand the need for the Roaming Helping Hands of Security. Thinks we're overreacting."

"Tell me you're not planning what I think you're planning," asked Mr. Smith in a pained voice.

"All you need to do is make sure the hands wait a moment before they do their job," said Sarah (Williams). "You know, when the girls first notice Jareth."

Ari smiled. "Please, Mr. Smith?"

"This one time," he said, holding up one finger to emphasize his answer. Sighing he said, "Jareth is going to kill me."

"After this, Jareth is going to find that you're job is so important that he can't even imagine killing you," said Sarah.

* * *

Ami could barely see the Labyrinth anymore when the group of fanfiction writers came up to a strange looking building, somewhat like the Goblin caste. Why it was out here, in the middle of nowhere puzzled Ami. Somehow, Director Fou must have sensed her confusion for she announced to everyone on her microphone (which didn't seem to be connected to any speakers, yet seemed to work anywhere) that this was the Labyrinth Academy. She then led them through the main doors and down several hallways that led to an area that looked like the dorms back at Ami's college. 

"Find the room with your name on it. Our Head of Student Relations organized everything last night. Some of you might have already met her since she was the one who was supposed to give you your letters, until she had an . . . unpleasant . . . run in with His Majesty," said Director Fou. "She did, however, try to match you with people around your own age in the limited time she had. Oh, and be back out here in about ten minutes or so, for the opening ceremony."

With that, she walked off down the hallway, to someplace unknown.

Ami sighed, and joined the mass of fanfiction writers to go look for her room. Luckily, she didn't have to go that far, her room was the second one on the right.

"Hey, we have a room together!" said Koke as she sloshed her way into the room. "I'm assuming one of the beds is yours. I guess I have the kiddy pool. Is that even a color?" she asked, examining its color.

Ami looked at it, and winced. "I'm not sure," she said, shading her eyes away. "It's not one I've ever seen before . . . nor do I ever want to agin."

"Hey you two!" said Ledderlegs, her goblin self waddling into the room. She flinched when she saw the kiddy pool. "What color is that?"

"We're not sure," said Ami.

"It should be made illegal," commented Ledderlegs. Turning to Ami to avoid looking at it, she asked, "Which bed do you want?"

"I don't care," said Ami. "They both look the same."

"Ok, then I get this one," said Ledderlegs, going to the bed near the window. It was then that she noticed the guitar. "Hey! My guitar is here!" She looked at her small, goblin self. "It's going to be sort of difficult to play."

"Is that what you put down on the form as your favorite thing?" asked Ami, worriedly. Would everyone really see her Beauty and the Beast clock? It was so embarrassing, being childish and all. Why did she ever put that down?

"Yeah," said Ledderlegs. "Did you get your stuff?"

"I put down my cats," said Koke. "I haven't seen them yet . . . oh, there they are," she said, noticing the cats sleeping on top of her bureau.

"Meow," said one opening its eye.

"Hey, Cornflakes," said Koke, going to pet the cat. The instant her wet hand touched it, however, it screeched angrily, and tore out of the room. The two other cats soon followed.

"Guess they don't like water," said Ami.

Koke looked sadly at her hands. "I guess not."

"So what did you bring?" asked Ledderlegs.

Ami looked hesitatingly at the wall above her bed. Sure enough, the clock was there. "That," she said pointing.

Ledderlegs came over and looked at it. "I love that movie."

"Best Disney movie made, hands down," commented Koke.

"My parents gave it to me when I was ten," said Ami.

"Cool."

Awkward pause.

"So, what are we doing about the clothes situation?" asked Ledderlegs. "I mean, I may be a goblin, but I think I would like to change once in a while. I fully embrace good hygiene and all that jazz."

Ami looked in her bureau. "Oh God no . . . "

"What is it?" asked Ledderlegs, worriedly.

Ami pulled the clothing out of the drawers. "Uniforms," she said. "And they're the same color as the kiddy pool."

Their anguished cries could be heard all the way to the Castle Beyond the Goblin City.

* * *

"Are we ready for the presentation?" asked Director Fou as she came into the auditorium of LA. Various characters from the Labyrinth were milling around. 

"Yeah," called Hoggle from where he was having a 'disagreement' with a fairy. "As ready as we can be, considering."

"And the hands?"

"In position," said Meagan, coming up to her.

"Though there is something you should know," said Sarah (Williams).

"What?" asked Director Fou worriedly. "They haven't felt up any of the staff members, have they?"

Sarah (Williams) shook her head. "No, but there may be a slight delay when the girls notice Jareth."

"Really?" asked Director Fou, eyebrow raised. "This wouldn't have anything to do with Ari would it."

"If it helps, it was my idea," said Sarah (Williams).

"What going on?" asked Hoggle, looking interested as he came over.

"Oh, Jareth is just going to get a nice little welcome from all his fangirls, that's all," said Meagan.

Hoggle chuckled.

"Now you know, our purpose here at LA is to punish the students, not the staff . . ." she looked at the pleading face of Sarah. "However, I think this one time we can make an exception. I take it Mr. Smith knows?"

"Yeah. Muttering about how Jareth will lock him in an oubliette, but he knows," said Meagan.

"Did I hear my name?" asked Jareth waltzing onto the stage. He peered at the group of conspirators suspiciously. "Do I want to know what you are up to?"

"Probably not," said Director Fou.

"You see, we just tallied up the polls from the fanfiction writers, and it would seem that I, Hoggle the Dwarf, was voted more popular than you, Jareth," said Hoggle proudly. "Everyone thinks you're a . . . . what was that word they used . . . ah yes, preck!"

"I think the word you're thinking of is 'prick,' Hogbrain," said Jareth. "Is this true?" he demanded angrily to Director Fou, pointing a finger at her as if to cast a curse on her if she answered wrongly. She glanced at Sarah (Williams) and Meagan for help, but they just inched away from her. When Jareth was mad, it was good to stay out of his way. Sarah's own experience with the Cleaners could more than support that general law.

"Um, no?" said Director Fou weakly.

"Good," said Jareth. "Because if they did . . ."

"But they did vote me a better friend then you. Everyone just wanted you in their bed," said Hoggle.

"I am better looking than you," said Jareth. "Who would want to have a repulsive little scab like you in bed? I still can't believe Sarah even kissed you!"

"And didn't kiss you, despite how good you may think you look!" added Hoggle.

"Can we please take my actions out of the equation?" asked Sarah (Williams).

"Well, there are more Jareth fics than there are Hoggle fics!"

"I'm in the movie longer!"

"Well, I have longer lasting impression!"

"I helped Sarah defeat you!"

"And yet you poisoned her !"

"Actually, you did . . . if I may recall, you were the one to give her the peach!"

"Hey, guys!" yelled Ari, head peeking in through the back of the auditorium. "I've got the students here, are we ready to go?"

Jareth and Hoggle shared a look of mutual loathing towards each other before stomping off to opposite ends of the room. Director Fou sighed. "It would appear so. Bring them in."

* * *

Ami looked around the auditorium, bad memories of similar assemblies racing through her mind. That odious Director Fou was standing on stage next to some other woman and . . . _her_. 

The epitome of evil. Ami could feel her vision start to go red as she stared at Sarah Williams. The nerve of someone like that being here. (It completely slipped her mind that since Sarah Williams was in _The Labyrinth_, and a main character at that, she'd have to be in the Labyrinth Academy).

"Oh my God, it's Jareth!" cried a girl off to her left, pointing somewhere to the side of the stage. Ami strained to look, and low and behold, there stood Jareth in all his Goblin King glory. Ami's heart took flight on the wings of a dove. Or hormones.

Suddenly, the mob of fangirls (Ami included) massed towards him, screeching in high voices, "I love you Jareth!"

Jareth had a moment of pure fright before he was surrounded. Ami shoved her way through, and was able to grab his arm before something grabbed her and pulled her up into the air. Turning her head, she saw several hands grabbing a hold of her, apparently connected to nothing.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" she cried. All around her, the other girls were experiencing removal from Jareth. Somewhere below her, she saw Becky standing back as she watched her balrog join in the mob to help drag fangirls away from the crowd. Becky simply shook her head sadly and went to sit down. Another girl with a t-shirt that said "Erik Rules. Long Live The Phantom!" was running around with a boot in her hand, with an evil half-smile, while a friend of hers (or so Ami assumed) laughed beside her. And on stage, Miss Ari, Director Fou, that other lady, and _HER_, was laughing.

It was then that Ami was dropped into a seat in the back of the auditorium. The knobby, gross, green hands that were holding her floated in front of her and formed a face. "We're Hoggel. H-O-G-G-E-L. Please remember that being a lusting fangirl in evil and deserves punishment. Next time we see you trying to manhandle Jareth, you'll be sorry." They gave her a lewd look (if hand faces can give lewd looks). "Or maybe you won't." The hands winked at her disassembling themselves and floated off to capture another rabid fangirl.

_Oh God, I just got propositioned by a set of hands, _thought Ami. _And I thought my relationships on Earth were weird . . . still, I should probably stay here, and wait to ensnare Jareth some other time. Preferably when not all these other rivals for Jareth's attentions are here._

"Now if you're all settled," said Director Fou into the microphone, looking around and the students, "The welcome ceremony can now begin. I believe you have all discovered Rule Number Two: Never act on your lusting impulses, or the 'Helping' Hands will get you."

"But I thought they were suppose to be in the pit thing Sarah fell into," came a voice from the crowd, the girl wearing the "Erik Rules. Long Live The Phantom!" shirt.

Director Fou sighed. "The originals are . . Miss . . .?"

"Veritas."

". . .Veritas. You see, you careless fanfiction writers fail to spell check, and these roaming Helping Hands are what result. A cluster of helping hands spawn from misspelling a name. For example we of Hoggel (H-O-G-G-E-L) here . . . you'll notice he has more hands than the others, because Hoggle tends to be misspelled a lot," she gestured to the set of six hands floating by her who formed a face and leered at the students. "And Jereth (J-E-R-E-T-H) over there is guarding His Majesty. And we have a whole lot more here then that, so if they catch you breaking the rules, they'll make sure you suffer the consequences."

Hoggel's hand-made face smiled evilly and chuckled. Ami felt herself going cold with fear.

"Also, I would like you to know, that no one is allowed into the staff area of the school, if you can find it. I don't care how much you think you are Jareth's one true love and how bad you think he needs you, it's not happening. If you enter the staff area, the Helping Hands will come for you," continued Director Fou. "If you have a problem with the Helping Hands, you can try Mr. Smith, our Head of Security here, but I doubt he'll listen to you."

Ami looked towards the mysterious Mr. Smith, who was standing near Jareth like some sort of bodyguard near the Jereth cluster of hands. He face was calculatedly cool, still dressed in the same black suit he wore when he arrived he gave her the form. Ami briefly wondered if he was ever part of the Secret Service. _I wouldn't be surprised if he was hiding a gun somewhere under that jacket._

"While most of the staff members are from the movie itself, there are a few others I would wish to meet. On my right here is Miss Ari, who you should know as our Student Relations/Events Coordinator. And to my left is Miss Meagan, our very own Queen of Grammar. Mary Sue will also be helping out, but she couldn't make it to the opening ceremony since she's helping out a new acquisition in the Labyrinth Mary Sues section of the Academy here. The poor girl is suffering right now from having the combined parentage of a Nymph, some sort of Fae, a Fairy, and a Dragon.

_What did I have Mariana Suana's family lines be again? _thought Ami worriedly to herself.

"Finally, you all must pass all the classes here at LA if you ever wish to write Labyrinth Fanfiction again. For this semester you'll have The 80s 101 (Also known as why Sarah Williams should not be listening to a CD player right after she returns from the Labyrinth) taught by Sarah Willaims, Grammar and Me 101, taught by Miss Meagan, How To Rule The Goblins 101 (And why they can't just take care of themselves) taught by His Majesty Jareth, Hopeless In Love 101 (Covering the flaws Jareth and Sarah parings) and finally, Faces From The Labyrinth 101 (And why they are not the Muppets), taught by a number of members of the LA staff, with Hoggle heading the class. Now if there are any questions?"

She looked around the room. The girl next to Veritas raised her hand. "Yes Miss . . ."

"Leny. I was wondering, what else do we have to do when we're not in class?"

Director Fou smiled. "Oh, you'll have plenty of homework to occupy yourselves with, rest assured. Though Ari has arranged for some social get-togethers if you all behave. For example, I do believe we have a Welcome party tonight before we start classes tomorrow?" she said, looking at Ari.

Ari nodded. "Yes, attendance will by mandatory. This is a time for everyone to get to know each other. Socialize. Gossip. Whatever, we really don't care."

"Just no obvious lusting," added Director Fou.

"Not that we'll mind," said Hoggel, smiling. "Us Roaming Helping Hands, that is,"

Director Fou shot a glance at Hoggel uneasily, before turning back to the students. "If that is all, you may return to your rooms to get ready for tonight's party. Lunch will be in three hours. Also, for those of you who wish to get a head start on your classes, your textbooks should be in your rooms now, if the goblins followed their directions correctly. Please remember that during school hours, uniforms are a must." She looked around, before smiling in what she must have assumed was a reassuring and welcoming manner. "Welcome to the Labyrinth Academy boys and girls. We hope you'll find it educating and learn to tread on the path of the Good Fic."

Ami shuddered. _Oh Lord, what did I get myself into?_

* * *

Author's Note: 

Thank you Megs, my beta.

Thank you all who reviewed, and those who have joined the ranks of the academy. We still have room for students here at Labyrinth Academy, so feel free to send me an e-mail. A link is in my bio.

Also, if you can think of any common misspellings of characters, let me know. The Roaming Helping Hands need names.

_Also, do not sign up for the Academy via reviews. has a policy about interactive stories. Pleaseuse the link provided in my bio, orfollow thedirections given in chapter one. Thank you!_

Please Read and Review!


	3. Rule Three: Good pronoun usage is a must

Disclaimer: I bow before Miss Cam in humble gratitude, unworthy of kissing the ground she walks upon for letting me do this fic. I also bow before Jim Henson (Director), George Lucus (Executive Producer), and all those other people involved with the making of The Labyrinth movie. I own nothing.

The Labyrinth Academy

by Fou Fou

Rule Number Three: God created proper pronoun usage for a reason; so use it.

"That was entirely uncalled for," said Jareth after the students had left the auditorium.

"What was entirely uncalled for?" asked Sarah (Williams) innocently. "You'll have to be more specific than that."

Jareth rolled his eyes. "You all know very well what I'm talking about."

Miss Ari opened her eyes really wide, trying to seem as guiltless as possible. "No, not at all."

"You had those fan girls molest me! Me, the King of the Goblins! Lord of the Underground!"

"Being Lord of the Underground isn't in the movie. That a fanfiction speculation," muttered Director Fou.

"And the Hands didn't do anything about it!" continued Jareth, ignoring her.

"Mr. Smith told us to!" argued 'Loodo,' a set of Roaming Helping Hands, before he was swatted by 'Hoggel.'

"MR. SMITH?" cried Jareth, focusing his kingly wrath on the Head of Security. "I'll have you sent to the oubliette for this! You will be sent to the Bog of Eternal Stench! For Eternity!"

Mr. Smith's eyes widened a bit, but did his best to remain unfazed. "Sir, if you send me there, then no one will control the Roaming Helping hands."

"He is right, you know," said Miss Meagan hurriedly, trying her best to patch up the situation. "Mr. Smith is the one who can exert the most control over them. They don't always listen to us."

"Is it just me, or did anyone notice those horrendous outfits the students were wearing?" asked Hoggle quickly, trying to defuse the situation.

"Color baaaaad," agreed Ludo.

Miss Ari shuddered. "I told them to change into their uniforms when I saw them all still in their PJs. I didn't think they would be THAT color. Ugh . . . pinlue . . . I thought we were able to get rid of that color!"

"Weren't you in charge of uniforms?" asked Director Fou. "I told the students to wear the uniforms in a fit of psychotic cruelty, but I don't think I'm going to be able to stand it."

Miss Ari shook her head. "I was, but I didn't get time to finish them since I was in the oubliette" (she glared at Jareth) "Someone else must have taken over that part of my job."

Mr. Smith held up his hands, "Don't look at me. I had my hands full getting the buggers registered and taking care of the Roaming Hands. I certainly didn't take charge of the clothes."

"What was wrong with the apparel, Milady?" questioned Didymus, a concerned look on his fox-like features. "I thought that I didst a good job on them. I thought the color wouldst be pleasing to thy fair eyes."

"Good grief. Not only does the fox have impaired smelling . . . but he's color blind as well!" said Hoggel.

"I have an exceptional sense of smell!"

"Yeah, you lived in the Bog of Stench and didn't even notice the Stench!"

"The air was sweet and fragrant!"

"It smelt like shi . . ."

"Ok, then," said Director Fou, interrupting the argument. "I think we better get ready for the Welcome-To-Hell Party."

* * *

Later that day at lunch, Ami and a group of students were sitting in the cafeteria bemoaning the fact that they couldn't find something nice to wear to the dance that night. The cafeteria itself was a large room that seemed to be constantly in a state of chaos. There was hay all over the floor that let out a very questionable smell, most likely due to the chickens that were running all around the room. And the food was horrendous. Ami wasn't even sure if it could be called food. So far Ami's experience at the Labyrinth Academy wasn't shaping up to what she had been expecting. She hadn't even had a chance to get Jareth alone.

"I still can't believe we have to wear these," complained Ledderlegs, looking and her uniform. "It's hideous!"

"I believe the color of which you are referring to is called pinlue," said Liliandra. "But I don't believe that a young lady such as yourself should be so rude by critiquing the school's uniforms that the Labyrinth Academy has graciously provided for us. For as my grandmother – a Priestess from Avalon mind you – says, 'A lady of stature shall always be on her utmost behavior, setting example to all who are otherwise not blessed with such civility.'"

"I somehow doubt your grandmother was a priestess of a non-existential place," commented Ami, using her spork to move around some gray, slushy substance on her plate.

"I'll have you know that I can claim the ancestry of two royal elves. One of which, if you must know, is Puck himself!"

"So, wait, did you put elf on your species?" asked Koke. She only had a glass of water in front of her to replace any water that may have evaporated from her during the day. Apparently Water Nymphs didn't need food to function. At the moment Ami was feeling very envious.

"Well, that is what I am," said Liliandra. "Though why I'm in this short and not in my true form is somewhat of an enigma to me."

"Hey, aren't there elves in the Labyrinth movie?" asked Becky.

"I don't think so," said Ami.

"What about Arwen?" asked Crossy. She looked to be about five, but that was because she wrote _'mentality of a five year old'_ on her application and the Admissions Staff thought she meant she was five. She looked human enough, except for instead of talking, typed words popped out of her mouth and floated in the air until everyone had read it, often flashing or in bright pinlue letters. This was because she wrote '_Homo Scriptus Fanficcandus' _as her species, thus further confusing the Admissions Staff.

"Arwen is not in the Labyrinth. That's Lord of the Rings," said Ledderlegs.

"No. Arwen and Young Tom Riddle were about to get married in the Castle Beyond the Goblin City but they were overrun by ewoks and . . ."

"What about the pavement elves?" asked Becky.

"The pavement elves?" asked Ami. "What the heck are pavement elves?"

"Well, I do believe that is the name for those strange little creatures that moved Sarah's arrows here there and everywhere in the beginning of the movie."

"Well, now that you mention it, Liliandra does sorta look like one them, only taller and a little more human . . ." Crossy 'said.'

"You know, I'm getting sort of annoyed with the Admissions Staff's sense of humour," commented Koke.

"Does anyone know who the Admissions Staff is?" asked the Jolly Glomper, or Jolly, as she joined into the conversation. Her head bore a strong resemblance to the bird hat the Wiseman wore (half bird demon), only she had sharp pointy teeth (quarter vampire), although the rest of her was relatively human, with the exception of lots of feathers and tiny wings that stuck out through a hole in the back of her uniform.

"That's what I'd like to know," said Crystalline from where she sat in her crystal ball next to the salt shaker. She put down the "physical manifestation of Crystal Magic," and the Admissions Staff decided that meant she lived inside a crystal ball. "Now I know what a gerbil feels like when people put them in those plastic circle things to run around in."

Ami shook her head a bit with amusement, before she got up to put her tray away, leaving those who put something down other than human on their application complain to each other. Glancing around the room, she was a bit irked to notice that the staff was eating recognizable food. Not only that, but the epitome of evil, Sarah Williams, was sitting between Jareth _(drool),_ and Mr. Smith _(he's a freaky guy_, though Ami. An unwitting growl escaped her throat as she imagined the violent death of Sarah.

"You don't like them either, huh?" asked a girl coming up next to her to dump her tray, gesturing towards the general direction Sarah was sitting. She had blond hair, multi-colored eyes, and poofy, rock star hair; basically a girl Jareth.

Thinking that she was talking of Sarah, Ami nodded, "God, I just wished they'd suffer sometime."

The girl nodded eagerly. "Me too. I'm Aier by the way."

"Ami."

"So, how about we do something to take our revenge out on them tonight?" asked Aier, an evil glint in her eye.

Ami smiled. "I think that is a wonderful idea." So Aier might look like she was a Jareth fancier. She'd work with her to eliminate Sarah, then come up with some way to eliminate the competition.

* * *

The hour of the dance couldn't come soon enough. All around the dormitories, fan girls were running everywhere trying to find someway that they could look attractive with their pinlue uniforms. Which of course, was rather impossible, considering the fact that the color pinlue had the annoying tendency to bring out all facial defects out. Ami often found herself wishing that she put down her make-up as her favorite item instead of that Disney clock. Anything to help hide what looked suspiciously like pimples that were beginning to appear on her skin. And she thought those would only be a problem of her teenage years. When she wasn't doing that, she was scheming with Aier on their plan to take down Her.

Eventually, however, the dance did arrive and somehow all the students were able to get themselves to appear the best they could, all considering. Of course, there was the slight problem that nobody could find their left shoe, so everyone ended up going to the dance in their socks or with only one shoe on, (the dance was held in the cafeteria, and even though it had been cleaned up and chickens removed, Ami still didn't want to risk walking into essence of chicken shit in her bare feet. Disgusting.

Obviously whoever was in charge of food decided to be a little more lenient towards students tonight, so the appetizers actually resembled food. Of course, Ami speculated, this could be because the staff was here and they wanted something decent to eat. Nevertheless, she wasn't about to complain, and took the opportunity to stock up on all the food that looked like it would store easily for munching at some later date when the cafeteria good went back to crap again.

In one corner of the room, Kitty and Veritas were having an argument about who Jareth was meant to be with Ludo (Kitty's opinion) or The Junk Lady (Veritas's opinion). Sarah (Williams) and Hoggle were watching the argument with mixed amusement.

"Does Jareth know about this?" asked Hoggle, barely containing his laughter.

"Nope," said Sarah. "I'm not quite sure which one is worse."

"I'd be tempted to say Ludo . . ." said Hoggle.

Sarah nodded her head. "At least The Junk Lady is female. And vaguely resembles a human. Ludo isn't either."

"I'm shocked by the number of pairings these fan girls give Jareth. It is frankly disturbing."

"I'm telling you, teaching Hopeless In Love 101 is beginning to sound somewhat intimidating. I never realized how obsessed some people were with the Jareth/Sarah paring until today, let alone something like Jareth/Ludo."

"Me and WHO?" asked a voice somewhere behind Ami. Recognizing the voice to belong to Jareth, she spun around with a sigh, ready to charge. However, she wisely decided to stop when she noticed that 'Hoggel' and 'Didamus' were on guard nearby. Just one look at Hoggel was more than enough to convince her that charging was not a good idea at this point in time. Another proposition from a set of floating hands was definitely not on the agenda today.

"You and Ludo, or you and the Junk Lady," said Sarah with a smile. "Who would you prefer?"

"You are talking about dumping in the Bog of Eternal Stench aren't you?" asked Jareth.

Hoggle shook his head cheerfully. "Nope, definitely not. We're talking about sexual relations here."

Jareth stared at Hoggle for a moment, as if he wasn't sure if he was joking. "You're kidding me, right?"

"'Fraid not, Jareth," said Sarah. "There is apparently a big speculation over there about who you'd be better suited to; Ludo or The Junk Lady."

Jareth cringed visibly. "Where do they get those ideas?"

Sarah shrugged. "Who knows?"

"The fan girl mind is a complete mystery," said Hoggle.

"Well I believe a nice vacation in an oubliette will help cure them of this absurdity," said Jareth, getting ready to storm over.

"Can't we take care of it?" asked 'Hoggel' eagerly.

Sarah gave 'Hoggel' an uncomfortable glance. "I'm not sure if that's necessary."

"I really see no need to get the Roaming Helping Hands into it. They haven't actually said anything offensive yet."

"I beg your pardon, Hogpog, but they have!" said Jareth.

"Aw, shut up, Jareth. All they did was make fun of you. Surely you can handle that?"

A tense silence hang between the two, as Jareth contemplated if it was worth breaking school policy to send Hoggle into the Swamp of Eternal Stench for what he said.

"Hey, if you don't agree with Ludo/Jareth, what about Hoggle/Jareth?" asked Kitty to Veritas, who were both completely oblivious of the doom that was looming nearby, ready to strike. Or in this case, send her to the Bog.

"On second thought, Jareth, I think having the Roaming Helping Hands help out would be very good idea. Teach the students respect," said Hoggle after a moment of shocked horror.

"I quite agree," said Jareth. "Then we can dump them in the Bog of Eternal Stench.

"And dye them pinlue."

"'Hoggel,' 'Didamus,' knock yourselves out," said Jareth, gesturing to the two swarms of Roaming Helping Hands.

"TALLY FORTH!" cried 'Didamus' with a dramatic flare before he charged.

"I'm going to get you my pretty . . ." cackled 'Hoggel,' not far behind. It wasn't long before the screams of Kitty and Veritas could be heard as they were dragged up into the air and where pitched towards the Bog of Eternal Stench.

Ami shook her head, making a mental note to never discuss any 'ships like those around Jareth (_Like I would. Jareth and Ludo is just gross)_. After a few moments of standing there thanking God that she wasn't the one who was pitched to the Bog, Aier came up and said, "I think now would be a good time to put our plan into action."

Ami looked to where Sarah stood, talking to Jareth. Hoggle was off talking to Sir Didymus about something, and the two Roaming Helping Hands that were assigned to Jareth were off disciplining Kitty and Veritas in the Bog of Eternal Stench. It was a perfect moment._ I'll have my revenge on Sarah, and Jareth will be full of admiration for me that he will ask me for a date and we'll live happily ever after._ "Ok, let's do it."

Together the got their bags of all the stray chicken eggs the found earlier that day and carefully positioned themselves behind the two. Waiting for the two to stand far enough away so that there was not chance that an egg would hit the wrong target, Ami and Aier each grabbed a handful of eggs. When the safe distance had been reached, Aier cried "NOW!" and threw her eggs. Ami immediately joined.

Sarah and Jareth, upon hearing the cry, "NOW!" turned around to see what the upcoming problem was going to be, only to instead be pummeled with eggs. Ami, wondering why eggs were hitting Jareth, (for she was certaintly not throwing them at him), turned towards Aier who was laughing manically saying, "Take that, you throne stealer! No one steals my throne and gets away with it."

"What are you doing?" cried Ami. "I thought we're going after Sarah!"

"I was just about to ask that," said Jareth.

"I thought we agreed Jareth!" said Aier.

"Why would I want to hit Jareth with eggs?" asked Ami. "Sarah is the one who deserves it!"

"Do I have egg yolk in my hair?" asked Sarah. "It really feels like it."

"Yes you do, a big glop of it too!" said Jareth with glee, before realizing that he too had a big glop in his hair. Becoming all serious he turned towards Ami and Aier and said, "What the hell did you think you were doing?"

"Well, I was trying to take out Sarah, because she hurt you and all in the movie. I don't know what Aier was doing."

"I was going after you, Jareth. Because you stole my throne!"

"I stole your throne?" asked Jareth. "Of what?"

"The Goblins. I'm the one who is supposed to be ruling the Goblins! And you took it from me!"

Jareth blinked, obviously trying to figure out what world Aier lived in that convinced her that she was supposed to be the Goblin Queen.

"But we never agreed on going after Jareth!" said Ami, bring everyone back to the original argument.

"Wait a minute here," said Miss Meagan coming over. "What exactly did you say?"

"I said that I was annoyed with them, and I thought we should have our revenge on them," said Aier, pointing towards Jareth.

"And I assumed she meant Sarah, because she was pointing to her."

"I was pointing to Jareth! He was sitting right next to her."

Just as a full out argument was about to break forth, Miss Meagan held up her hands. "Wait, did you use the pronoun, 'them?'"

Aier nodded her head.

"Well that explains everything. Of course, you do realize your problem is due to incorrect pronoun usage. You should have said something along the lines of 'I'm annoyed with him' or 'I thing we should have our revenge on him.' Them would imply more than one individual. This is why God created proper pronoun usage. To prevent these sort of misunderstandings," said Miss Meagan. Shaking her head she muttered, "I see I'm going to have my work cut out for me in class tomorrow."

"Well, now that we know why we have been bombarded with eggs, I think it is time for these two to take a nice vacation in the Bog of Eternal Stench," said Jareth.

"And then I'm voting for a shower," said Sarah. She glared at Ami, "I warn you never to do that again, or you'll find your time here to be worse then any preconceptions of Hell you might have."

And with that lovely threat, Ami found herself being propelled into the air by 'Hoggel' who was laughing manically. "This is going to be fun!" he said.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" cried Ami before she found out just how bad the Bog of Eternal Stench really smelled.

* * *

In one corner of the cafeteria, Miss Ari and Director Fou sipped Diet Cokes while watching more students take a trip to the Bog of Eternal Stench. "Over all, I think the party was quite a success, don't you?" said Miss Ari.

"Oh, I quite agree," said Director Fou. "You really outdid yourself. Though we'll need to make sure we work on security. Those two shouldn't have been able to throw those eggs, let alone have them hit their targets before the Roaming Helping Hands intervened."

Miss Ari nodded. "Your right. I'll talk it over with Mr. Smith. Maybe he'll have some ideas. You know, make sure that there are Roaming Hands surround Jareth at all times."

Director Fou smiled, "I do believe life is going to become quite the merry little hell for students in not too long."

A/N:

Ok, my beta is away on hiatus, so she can't answer her e-mail or visit me until late August. So please forgive any errors I may have overlooked. I will send this chapter to her as soon as she gets back, and hopefully she will be able to edit.

Also, the Labyrinth Academy website is almost finished, and is sitting on my computer with only a few minor adjustments that need to be added before I find someone to host it. I'll probably end up using my yahoo account. However, if anyone has anything they'd like to send, like fan art or whatever (goodness knows I'm not going to inflict my art skills on anyone), I would appreciate it. So far there is a staff listing, student roster, a copy of the Labyrinth Academy, and a link to Miss Cam's website on it. If anyone has anymore ideas, e-mail me at the generalfoufou yahoo . com (take out the spaces).

Finally: There is stilllots of room to enroll into the Labyrinth Academy. Simply copy the set of questions posted in chapter one, then answer themthe way your character would, then e-mail it to me. Please, don't post via reviews. has a policy against interactive stories,and I'll get kicked off if you do it that way.I'm sorry that I wasn't able to fit everyone into this chapter, but rest assured, everyone will get mentioned at some point in time in the course of this story. Please be patient.

Thanks to those who reviewed:

aier of mirkwood: For Karen, I think she was just stressed out in the movie, and Sarah was just full of some teenage angst. Karen will be appearing in later chapters though.

Queen of the Damned Lilly: I'm sorry, but uniforms are a must. (Though I might see if Miss Ari can change the color)

dreamoon: Hee hee. Um . .. so you could see Jareth? Hope you like the chapter

Ledderlegs: Glad you like it.

hippie99: The spelling of 'Sara' really annoys me too. Hope you enjoyed this chapter.

cooncat: I have gone back and fixed the little mistakes. My beta is not a big LOTR fan, so you'll have to forgive her for no noticing, and forgive me because I . . . um . .. ok, I'm to blame.

AngelwingsDevilhorns: So your Koke. Hello. Sorry about misspelling your cat's name. I'm glad you liked the whole liquid thing. It was just of my random ideas that I thought might work.

Lady of the Labyrinth: Yes, brownie points for Hoggel. (Slaps herself on the head for making that mistake). The kiddie pool is pinlue. A color of the Labyrinth Academy world.

The Jolly Glomper: Thank you. I hope you liked your part in this.

fracturedreality04: "In sleep he sang to me, In dreams he came . . ." I'm o POTR fan right there with you. Read the book, seen the musical, watched the movie . . .

Madd Hatter: Ok, I shall put the top hat in when you make your appearance. (Probably next chapter).

Original Cliche: Hormones are an amazing thing I'll have to agree. And Phantom of the Opera is the best.

Xanda: A little, but is nothing that I can't work around.

Midnight Lady: Yeah, I'll probably use mistakes on the parents name, since they do actually have names in Labyrinth Cannon. And, as you can see, your Didamus made an appearance in this chapter. As to you question about guy Labyrinth authors; I was reading the reviews for "A Forfeit Of Dreams" by K.L. Morgan (Which I highly suggest reading, it is definitely one of the best Labyrinth fics I have ever read) and one of her reviews was to a male Labyrinth author. I'm not quite sure what angle a male Labyrinth author would go with, but I decided to leave the possibility open for anyone who might want to join.


	4. Rule Four: Never ever write a Mary Sue

Disclaimer: LABYRINTH is a trademark of Henson Associates, Inc. It is not mine. I'm just fooling around with it. Also, the whole idea of an academy belongs not to me, but to the wonderful, and all-knowing Miss Cam, who runs the Official Fanfiction University of Middle Earth. I can only humbly thank her for letting me write this.

The Labyrinth Academy

by Fou Fou

Rule Four: Never ever write a character that even remotely resembles a Mary Sue; you'll regret it.

Ami was one of those people who liked her sleep. A lot, in fact. Her favorite part was the dreams, especially when they involved a certain king of the goblins in an above PG-13 rating. When one of these dreams was in progress, she preferred not to be disturbed.

So naturally, she wasn't happy when what sounded like a blow horn went off in her ear while she was in the middle of one of the afore mentioned dreams.

"What the . . .?" exclaimed Ami, eyes open, searching for the one who would dare wake her up in such a crude manner.

From the other side of the room, three very disturbed and disgruntled cats – Pecan, Chawch, and Cornflakes – shot out of the room. None of them were quite sure why they seemed to be in such a hostile and unknown environment with loud noises. The only thing that seemed vaguely familiar was a creature thing that sounded like their servant, Koke, but smelt like _water_. In fact, she seemed to consist of water. Very undignified, in their opinion. Overall, it was agreed among the lot of them to leave the room and find some chickens to chase.

This left Ami, Koke, and Ledderlegs to the mercy of whatever it was that had just woken them up.

"Good morning, ladies!" cried the cheerful (and suggestive) voice of 'Hoggel.'

Ami groaned, pulling the pillow over her head. _Why him? Why is it always 'Hoggel?_'

"What time is it?" asked Ledderlegs miserably.

"5:32 AM, according to that odd clock with a girl and a creature that resembles Ludo on it," answered 'Hoggel.' "And it's time to get going. Breakfast is soon and schedules are going to be handed out. I hope for your sakes you didn't forget to do your reading assignments for His Majesty's class. He's in a rather sour mood this morning, and it wouldn't take much to royally piss him off."

"If you were the one who woke him up, I don't blame him," muttered Koke darkly.

"Wait . . . what reading assignment? No one mentioned a reading assignment yesterday!" said Ami.

"Oh . . . oops!" said 'Hoggel' gleefully. "Must have slipped the Director's mind!" One of his many hands pointed to a stack of books on her bureau that Ami was quite positive had not been there the night before. Of course, she had gone to bed late, tired from trying to run away from 'Sara,' 'Jereth,' and 'Loodo' who were trying to dye her pinlue, while avoiding stepping into the Bog of Eternal Stench (aka BOES).

Ami looked over at Koke and Ledderlegs, seeing similar surprised expressions as the saw books on their bureaus. Koke's of course, were waterproof.

"What time is his Majesty's class?" asked Ami worriedly.

"First thing after breakfast!" chirped 'Hoggel' happily.

Ami groaned. She'd have to do a lot of cramming in the next few hours if she didn't want to take another one way trip to the BOES.

* * *

Director Fou was barely able to contain the scream that was threatening to overwhelm her. It wasn't even eight thirty in the morning, and already she had a headache. 

"Why . . . why did someone let a student get through with the species 'goddess' on her application? Why did the Admissions Committee let her through as a freaking GODDESS!"

"Dearie, we were tired, and we didn't notice . . ." said the Trash Lady in defense of her fellow Committee members.

"Water Nymphs I would have been okay with. Hell, if there was a freaking Jedi Knight, I'd be happy. But you let her in as a goddess. As if hormones weren't bad enough, you had to add in Aphrodite into the mix. What's next, Cupid?"

"Somebody say my name?" came a voice as a handsome and well fit man in a toga with a bow and arrows flew in through the open window of Director Fou's office.

"Who are you?" demanded Director Fou, hands on hips.

"I'm Cupid!" exclaimed the man, holding his arms out with a flourish.

"No! No! No!" yelled Director Fou. "Get out! I don't care where you came from or how . . . just go back . . . NOW!"

"Fine, if I'm not wanted . . ."

"You're not."

Cupid spun around with a huff then flew off. Director Fou was vaguely aware that he was muttering something about her that was rude, but decided to ignore it. She had more important things to worry about then what some long-lost god thought of her. More important things, like how Cupid had gotten into the Labyrinth.

It was only then that she realized that she probably should have asked Cupid before he left how he had got into the Labyrinth Academy. If there was a plot hole she wasn't aware of hidden in LA, then she might have to worry about more unwanted visitors.

She sighed, but soon decided there was nothing that could be done about the problem at the time being. She'd deal with it when something happened.

"Director?" asked the Trash Lady, a bit worried at the somewhat frightening expression on the Director's face.

"What was that? . . Oh, yeah . . um, I guess we'll just have to put a restraining device on Aphrodite or something . . . and pray to God she hasn't gotten the hang of her powers yet. Now was there anything else you wanted to tell me?"

"Well . . ." started the Trash Lady, somewhat nervously.

"Oh, just say it," said Director Fou in a resigned voice.

"It would seem that a few boyfriends of some of the fangirls have made it into the Labyrinth Academy. Not by the admissions process, but because they were put down as a 'favorite thing.'"

"How many?"

"Well, so far we've found two. One belongs to a girl named Kitty. There was another one wrapped in a blanket with several racy romance novels, belonging to the Jolly Glomper. They appeared in the library. Overall they seem quite dazed, the poor dears."

_This is not happening,_ Director Fou told herself, somewhat hoping that if she told herself this enough times, the problem would disappear. Not for the first time did she wonder what had possessed her to take this position at the Labyrinth Academy.

"Where are they now?" asked Director Fou, when it became apparent that the Trash Lady wasn't going to disappear along with her bad news.

"In the Infirmary, heavily sedated," said the Trash Lady. "We don't know how to get them to go back to Earth."

"Maybe we could just keep them knocked out until school is over," mused Director Fou.

"I don't think that would work," said the Trash Lady. "The Fierie in charge said that to keep them doped up that long would do weird things to their systems."

"I'm not sure if Fieries are the best beings top know what weird is. In any case, get Miss Ari to find some accommodations for them and try to explain why there here," said Director Fou. "Somehow I doubt they'd be exactly pleased when they find out."

The Trash Lady nodded, then hobbled out of the room, the mound of junk on her back swaying back and forth as she went. It was only after she was gone that Director Fou let out her scream of frustration.

* * *

Breakfast was a stressful environment as Ami and the rest of the students attempted to finish their reading for How To Rule The Goblins 101 as fast as they could. That, and Ami still couldn't seem to find out where the heck her left shoe was. 

"This is impossible," Madd Hatter eventually declared angrily. She slammed her insubstantial hands through her insubstantial book through the table (She had put down Phantom as her species). On her head, she wore a top hat. It was slightly lopsided, and she lazily pushed it back into place.

"Why do we even need to know all this stuff?" complained Celleigh, a normal human girl except for the fact that she had a bright blue nose. She was also, to Ami's surprise, not a Jareth luster, but a Ludo luster. ("Ludo luster all they way," Celleigh had said. "Now there's a man that can keep you warm at night. You have no idea how cold in can get sleeping in an igloo. Oh they say that they are quite warm. Compared to what, I ask! Compared to a Polar Bears teat, I say!") However, Ami found that she quite liked Celleigh, despite her odd choice of lust object. At least she wouldn't have to worry about Celleigh trying to entrap the goblin king's heart.

"This book doesn't even mention anything about the Ewoks that His Majesty rules!" complained Crossy, her words appearing above everyone's head in bright pinlue letters.

"Hey, did anyone see the new girl at the staff table today?" asked Emma.

T.W. nodded. "That really pretty one with pointy ears? The one that looked like a model?"

"Yeah, that's the one," said Emma. "Do you know who she is?"

"No idea," said Ami.

"Sarah-or Saz as she says she prefers to be called to avoid complications with Sarah Williams- said that she heard from Kelly, who heard it from Takame Kiriku, who heard it from Jessika, who heard it from some of the staff members that her name is Mary Sue," said Gwen.

"Mary Sue?" asked Ami. "Wow, that's kinda funny. I wonder if she is a Mary Sue?"

"Yes, I am a Mary Sue," said a voice from behind Ami. All the girls turned to see a strikingly beautiful woman with pointy ears dressed in cargo pants, leather jacket and tank top glaring down at them.

"Really?" asked Kelly excitedly. "That's so cool! Do you like being one?"

"No, I don't enjoy being one," snapped Mary Sue, glaring at Kelly with her shimmering aqua eyes, the color of the ocean after a storm. "And if I ever find out that one of you have written a Mary Sue, I will not hesitate to kick your butt. That's Rule Four; Never ever write a character that even remotely resembles a Mary Sue; you'll regret it. I have enough of my own problems without having to deal with your literary rejects. Half of them don't even have a developed flat character, let along a round one."

The group of girls looked at Mary Sue with a mix of fear and awe. They were all trying to think of something to say to her, but none of them could say a word, stricken speechless as they were by her beauty. And because she was a Mary Sue, Mary Sue's anger at the fan girls only seemed to intensify her beauty.

Mary Sue simply shook her head and muttered to herself, "I do not get paid enough for this job," before storming away like a vengeful goddess.

Eventually, the time came for classes to begin, so Ami went over to her first class. By the time she found the room, there was already a large group of people. Some of the girls, like Leah and Veritas were already camped out in front of the classroom, discussing the merits of Erik, the Phantom of the Opera, and Jareth, the King of the Goblins. Leah even went so far as to suggest that perhaps Erik and Jareth should get together, but Veritas continued to keep with her opinion from the night before, saying that His Majesty was much better suited to the Junk Lady. (She had apparently not learned the danger of discussing Jareth's relationships, despite how hard the Roaming Helping Hands had tried to help her understand this).

In another corner, Saana and Kitty discussed the advantages and disadvantages of being the only two male-ish students. Kitty was a female when she arrived, but today was a blue moon, so she had suddenly become a man. Saana mostly was dealing with a gender crisis, for she/he put down female as her gender, but as species put down "rooster." Of course, she/he was also the leader of her/his own harem of hens, so many of the chickens that populated the Labyrinth Academy had taken to following her/him around.

There were so many students in front of Ami, that she began to despair that she would never be able to get a seat up front near His Majesty. She made a note to get to the classroom earlier next class.

"Ok, everybody move!" cried a musical voice that reminded Ami of mountain water flowing in a running brook. Everyone turned to see Mary Sue shoving her way through the crowd until she made an aisle. Behind her, a swarm of Roaming Helping Hands surrounded the Goblin King who was wearing sunglasses and accompanied by the hassled Mr. Smith, who was also wearing sunglasses. Apparently one stampede was enough for Jareth, and he had decided to take extra precautions.

"Make way, make way, let His Royal Majesty through!" yelled 'Sara.'

"And no glomping of professors!" said Mary Sue.

Surprisingly, everyone backed away, though mostly because they were just so in awe of the stunning Mary Sue before them. She had one of the voices that you just felt compelled to obey. Ami couldn't really explain it, and she was beginning to feel a little uncomfortable about the amount of power that Mary Sue appeared to be capable of wielding.

It was only after Jareth and is entourage had safely gotten into the room that the students were allowed in. Chaos ensued for about five minutes as there was a mad dash to the front of the classroom, to be the closest to Jareth. They weren't able to get any closer than that due to the metal bars that separated to Jareth from the rest of the students. The only students who didn't join in the mad rush to get to the front were of course the few non-Jareth lusters:

Celleigh - Who was much too involved with dreaming about Ludo to notice Jareth's human charms,

Veritas - Who was currently way too involved with Erik from Phantom of the Opera to care about the Goblin King,

Crossy - Who still believed Tom Riddle was going to show up, and she wanted to be closest to the door in order to make a mad dash from the room if she happened to see him pass by,

Crystalline – Who found that in her glass form it was very dangerous for her to get to the front of the room, and because she wasn't human she wasn't really interested in Jareth. It wasn't as if they could do anything, with her stuck in a crystal ball,

Gwen – Who was not interested ,

Aier – Who was still a bit peeved about the whole BOES thing – and the fact that she was still convinced that Jareth stole her throne – there was talk of sending her to psychology, but then Management figured probably everyone in LA needed therapy, so they didn't bother,

Aphrodite – Who was a goddess, who didn't really care about Jareth, but knew that he was secretly lusting her. She was only there so that she could study the fangirl mind, and figured it would be best to do so from the back of the room in order to see as much as possible. ''Jerith' was floating nearby with a stun gun in case she started using her powers until Management found a way to restrain them,

TombCrank the Crafty- Who was an androgynous Necromantic Robot, therefore it was not interested in Jareth at all and felt that romance was a silly stupid thing,

and finally

Moondancer - Who was holding out for Jareth's non-existent evil cousin.

Ami found herself somewhere in the middle, between The Amazing Aliano (Aliano for short) who appeared to be mostly human except for her cat-like eyes, and Luna Rydl, who looked like she was very close to jumping over the heads of everyone and ravish the Goblin King.

When it looked like everyone had a seat, Mary Sue cried out, "Everyone shut up!" Naturally, everyone did so, since she was Mary Sue, and the words of a Mary Sue could not be disputed. "Now, I want you all to be on your best behavior for His Majesty's class : How To Rule The Goblins 101 (And why they can't just take care of themselves). If I find out that any of you have been trying to glomp your professor, I will be very displeased and upset," she looked at the students and Ami felt the sudden desire to not let Mary Sue down. "Now repeat this : I will not act on my lusting impulses, or the 'Helping' Hands will get me."

"I will not act on my lusting impulses, or the 'Helping' Hands will get me," parroted the class.

Mary Sue rolled her eyes. "Good luck, Jareth. Come on Mr. Smith, let's get out of here. Director Fou says we're having a meeting of some importance in the teacher's lounge."

Together, Mary Sue and Mr. Smith left the room, leaving Jareth and his 'Helping Hands' alone. When the left, Jareth took off his sunglasses with sigh of relief.

"Alright, students. If I really had a choice in the matter I would not be here right now, I'd be relaxing in the Jacuzzi I have in my private rooms, but it would seem that you dunderheads need some government lessons. Apparently, you think that the Labyrinth can run itself. That me being king just means I get to lollygag about all day, doing nothing, except for romancing Sarah Williams or whatever ridiculous characters you've come up with. Apparently you all think I'm romance craving maniac!" Jareth sighed, trying to control his emotions. "But no matter, that is a discussion for Hopeless In Love 101, which you'll all be in tomorrow. Apparently some sort of celestial being hates me, since they have decided that it would be fun to assign me all these classes with you hormone driven teenagers. Pathetic really, how a king must spend his time. Goodness knows what trouble the goblins are up to . . ."

"Which leads right into today's lecture. Goblins, by their very nature, tend to side with chaos. They can't help it. They're not the brightest creatures in the world. Just look at the battle between them and Sarah Williams if you need an example. Ye gods, that was embarrassing. If it weren't for me, they wouldn't know their right from their left (actually, come to think of it, half of them don't)." (This earned some annoyed grumbling from Ledderlegs) "Well, in any case, you must understand that in order from preventing them all from killing each other, or the whole Labyrinth dissolving into anarchy where I lose my position as king . . ."

"Which doesn't even belong to you, you throne snatcher!" cried out Aier passionately from the back of the room. She was quickly shushed by the evil glares from all the fangirls sitting in front of her.

Jareth glared at her for a moment, and after making sure that she wouldn't be saying anything else, continued on:

"Going along this whole strain of anarchy resulting in the lost of my monarchy. Does anyone here know what a monarchy is?"

A few girls raised their hands, and Jareth called on Sheridan. "Isn't that a government involving some ruler?"

"Somewhat. Though unlike your American government or wherever you all are from, a monarchy involves a king or a queen (otherwise known as monarchs) who are normally of noble birth. There are several forms of monarchy, such as absolute monarchy, constitutional monarchy, dual monarchy, elected monarchy, and limited monarchy. Absolute monarchy is when the ruler has supreme and absolute authority to do whatever he wishes. Constitutional monarchy is when the monarch has powers granted to him through a constitution of some sort. Dual monarchy is when two monarchs rule together – which happened in your Sparta. Finally limited monarchy is when the monarchs only have ceremonial powers, much like your England is today. And I do so hope you're taking notes on this, since there will be a quiz next Monday."

Suddenly everyone grabbed pens and paper and began frantically trying to write down all they could remember.

"I thought it would be best if your first assignment involved a three paged essay comparing at least twenty different types of government, not including monarchy which I've already gone over. Management hopes that part of this class will help you to appreciate the need for government and understand the way it works."

"You mean this is actually Civics?" asked one student in despair.

Jareth smiled. "Exactly. After all, without government, we would slide towards chaos, the goblins would be left free to run around as they please, and nobody would be able to get any peace. Rules ensure that the goblins can't take babies without the magic words. Get rid of those rules and structure of government, and I'd be overrun with babies and your population would cease to exist." After a moment's thought he added, "Which probably wouldn't be that bad of a thing, considering."

Suddenly a bell rang, causing at least half the students to jump in their seats. "That would be the bell telling you that class is over," said Jareth.

Ami waved her hand to get the king's attention. "What about the books we had to read for class today? Weren't we going to have a quiz or something today?"

"You've all read the books already?" asked Jareth. "Why ever did you do that? No matter. Next class I'll just give the entire class a test over it, is that fine with everyone?"

There was some collective groaning out of the students, and several glares shot in Ami's direction. As Mary Sue and Mr. Smith came to help escort Jareth out of the room, Ami made a mental note to never again ask a question about homework, or believe a word that 'Hoggel' said regarding said homework.

* * *

Author's Note: 

I would like to acknowledge FAPR: Fantasy Art Resource Project and Crissy Gothberg for the wonderful essay "Seeds of Government Part II" on different types of monarchy, as well as a thanks to Meg for betaing this. The writing juices are flowing, I think I'm back in the swing of things!

Also, for those of you who have asked, a rough site is currently up for the Labyrinth Academy. The link to it can be found in my profile. Applications are still being accepted for the Academy as well, for those who are interested.

Finally, along the line of the website. If anyone is interesting in doing any art for the Labyrinth Academy, I'd love it. It will be posted on the website if you send it moe. (There is some really fun stuff on Miss Cam's OFUM website, and I'd like to have some fun stuff to post on my site as well).


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